Los onda verde 2

Los onda verde

Por René Catto

—Jane, bajo de las lianas, pienso en esta selva de cemento y vuelvo.

Si lo cuento es porque me sentí una víctima más de la dichosa y comerciante onda verde. Todo verde y si es verde, seguro que no daña la salud. Si es verde, consumí el Vidacol que se encarga de reorganizarte el sistema digestivo y si después lo dejás y ves que querés ir de cuerpo pero no lo lográs ni meditando como un monje tibetano, es porque te olvidaste de llamar al 0800-CACA, y ahí sí, te atiende una cordobesa que tiene voz de estar buena, es flaca y con flequillo hot. Muy amable le decís: “Señorita, tome a bien mi pedido. Le ruego que sea lo más pronto posible”. A lo que ella seguramente pregunte: “¿En qué puedo aiuuudarlo?”. En ese momento te alejás del tubo y gritás suave, pero contundente: “Quiero volver a cagar, señorita. Desactive el chip Vidacol, hágame el favor, señorita”.Toca tres botones, te deriva al reintegro sistémico del usuario Catto René, 43 años, soltero, bonaerense bien puesto, y una voz de un sex simbol con gel te anuncia y hace de cuenta que en un minuto parte el Apollo XV: “Señor, Catto René. Aguarde que en dos horas podrá defecar por sus propios medios”. Hasta ese momento nunca había extrañado tanto hacer fuerza sentado, leyendo el compuesto del Colgate fresh o borrando gente de la agenda del celular.

Jebusistas light. Es también porque la onda verde hace gente de mala vida a los que a punto de ser fusilados pediríamos una milane a caballo con fritas y una Coca en vaso de vidrio con tres rolos medianos y después un pucho. Imaginate la cara de los sicarios: “Señores, deseo comer un yogurt descremado con sémola y semillas del prado”. Literalmente, te mandan a la mierda y vuelven a descargarte tres tiros más cada uno (esto fue un furcio, porque disparan todos a la vez, pero sólo uno está cargado con balas o cartuchos posta). Por ahí no es tan así, pero los de la onda verde son un tanto —si no más— hipócritas que los peregrinos gebusistas o los altruistas. Creen que por contener un símbolo “adecuado” de modo de vida, todos debemos subirnos a esa marea de nuevos loquitos sanos y rezadores. Pero claro, uno es un animalito que no piensa en el futuro. ¿Cómo que no pienso en el futuro? Si cuando aplauden la caída de los glaciares puteo frente a la pantalla al grito de “nos van a venir a apurar con el agua”.

Los paz verde. Estos son otros que no me los fumo: los de la onda verde de Greenpeace y cualquier ONG que la junta con pala. Mucha persecuta a los balleneros, a los que hacen tala indiscriminadas de bosques y toda la onda hippie, cuando están bancados y sustentados —concretamente— por empresarios interesados en el queso de reserva. Todo bien con los de la paz verde, pero no me vengan con esa calesita del “patrimonio de la humanidad” porque eso quiere decir que si nuestro agua es patrimonio internacional ya no es más de los argentinos, ni de los brasileros la amazonia y así. Lo mismo hacen tipos como el dueño de la CNN, Ted Turner, quien tiene más de 80 mil hectáreas en suelo nacional y reproduce en cadena el bien para el mundo de que partes de esta tierra sean tomadas como una torta global. Cuando les gotee la canilla, no va a haber Jebús que nos salve el tanque. Por ahí uno puede pensar ¿qué tendrán que ver los onda verde con lo de la paz verde? y tienen razón. Pero que te vienen con esa de que lo liviano es mejor. Después no me estacionen un naftero, banquensé un auto eléctrico como hacen los japoneses, no se perfumen con aerosoles ni salgan con que comemos carne de un animal muerto. Eso es la reproducción de la mentira. Esa es la ola que abanican para demostrar que se puede vivir mejor subido a una bicicleta fija, con yogures, vidacoles, cereales del tigre, lactobacillus gg, Pancho Ibañez y esos parques de casa privadas y otras yerbitas putas. Nada del aura interior ni del conocimiento del cuerpo, no. Tenés que hacer media hora de cinta para estar bien. Dejenmé de joder con la gimnasia. Salgo a caminar, a ver gente, a ver el verde natural.

Mi amigo vegeta. El otro día me encontré con un viejo amigo al que cuando le nombré la palabra “asado” casi se me descompensa ahí en medio de la parada del colectivo. Medio minuto después me dijo que hacía ya años que no probaba bocado cárnico. Imaginate, dijo, “no sabés lo que me cambió la vida”. Y siguió: “René, por qué no lo intentás”, y ahí al toque le frené el carro: “Mirá, Marito, vos si querés comele el fardo al burro, pero a mí dejame con la carne y el Uvasal sabor naranja”. Después saltó con que estaba de empleado en no sé qué parroquia de la zona y de puro mala leche que soy, pensé si no sería un comepibe, pero dejé que no me invada la ira, el flash y los prejuicios. Marito siempre fue un buen tipo. La mujer es una yankee medio rubia, regordeta. Está bien, lo emparejó un poco con el tema del colesterol, sin pastillas, comiendo rúcula y esas cosas.

Voy al grano, señores: me las tienen al plato la buena gente que piensa que enseña, que nutre, que te dice lo que tenés que hacer para ser un tipo feliz. Que si no te resuelven lo del huevo y la gallina con un barbudo, te dicen que el capitalismo no va más, que esto no puede ser, que el socialismo, que el comunismo. A mi dejame con lo que me gusta y no me avises lo que tengo que hacer, porque acá nadie te avisa nada. Predicen que todo se va al carajo y vemos al carajo en cualquier parte y salen con las cacerolas por una cadena nacional. Poné Sony Entertainment y mírate un poco la vida desde una torre en Nueva York. Somos muy colonizables, no hay caso. Ahora vienen con que el país del Norte, “no, porque allá los yankees” tal cosa…ah, vayansé allá, a ver cómo los tratan.

—Me fui por la ramas, Jane, perdoname. No es fácil ser Tarzán. Mozo, otro de lechuga con doble berenjena a la sal. Sin sodio.

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